Dec 2, 2008

Attention men of earth:

Women who are wearing earphones, staring at the ground, and walking quickly, while carrying a grocery bag, all at near dark, almost universally do not want to be hit on. Should you forget this and strike up a conversation, the fact that she tries to pass you without looking up or removing her earphones, and when persuaded to do so, steps off the curb to keep a safe distance from you, this should cement the notion that she is uninterested in dating you, pursuing a conversation with you, or calling paramedics for you if you get hit by a bus.

If you forget these rules, and the woman then says, less than subtly, "my boyfriend doesn't like me to talk to strange men after dark", there are many proper responses involving walking away without saying anything else, saying "good evening" and walking away, etc, but the right response is NOT "Does your boyfriend treat you right?", which implies the woman is still interested in possibly romantic conversation with you even though she is clearly uncomfortable and at this point, is scanning the street for someone she can believably run up and hug to get away from you.

If you have still managed to violate the laws of personal space up to that point, please do not THEN ask if she is crying (???), and proceed to creepily scan her face and ask her if she's lying when she says that she most certainly is not, and continue peering into her eyes as she's now contemplating how hard she's going to have to kick you in the tender parts to get you to go away. Then, when you finally believe that she isn't crying, and conclude aloud that she's just sweating from a long walk, it is very unlikely she is still going to be want to "just be friends". Particularly when her departure from you is immediately followed by her dodging directly into Bananas and going into the back lounge, lest your creepy ass decides to follow her.

Good gods. If you're that hard up, get an internet connection and a link to Redtube and go nuts. Or go find a woman that isn't acting like you've got yellow cake uranium balanced on your head. It's not just that it's disrespectful; it's stupid. While you're trying to psych out some girl in a t-shirt who is very obviously uninterested and annoyed, out there, somewhere, is some girl with low enough self esteem that she might want to touch your happy place. GO away.