Nov 29, 2006

Merry Giftmas, you shallow golddiggers...

Okay, and yet another post totally unrelated to SGU. Get used to them, since I'm not going to be on the island for another six weeks... six weeks, good lord that's close.

So in the meantime, I decided to reveal how opinionated I am. Why wait?

First things first... I have absolutely no trouble with the commercialization of Token Winter Holiday. I like holiday music, holiday decorations, blazing tacky lights on every house (sans spiral neon Christmas trees, PLEASE), gifts, family, etc. Hell, I look forward to going to visit my relatives every year to ensconse myself in the utter feelgoodness of the holidays (unlike many, I actually like my relatives).

That being said... commercials lately have been getting to me. Commercials frequently get to me, but lately, it's been really really bad, and I struggle through my basic television watching to not be fundamentally offended because I pride myself on being difficult to offend.

All right... perhaps I hang out with women that aren't gold digging, materialistic, ball breaking bitches, but if I see one more "buy her love with diamonds for the holidays so she doesn't snipe at you for the rest of the year" commercial, I'm going to start taking hostages. I don't even LIKE diamonds, and I'm liking them less by the holi-day.

Now, the whole "guy loves his woman and surprises her with a nice gift and she wakes up to an expensive diamond necklace" motif actually doesn't bother me as much. Works with diamonds; works with cars, expresses a sentiment that somehow, MIGHT be somewhere close to a nice gesture based on feelings of love. It's cliché, and I'm not fond of shiny trinkets that don't enable me to go underwater, but whatever. He loves her; she likes diamonds; he gets her diamonds because he likes to get her things she likes because it's HIS frigging idea. Awesome. Whatever floats your boat or drains your bank account.

No no... what I'm talking about is the Jared syndrome, and not the odd looking guy from the Subway commercials. I'm talking about the sniping poodle women comparing the size and clarity of their trinkets and then brow beating their husbands for not "going to Jared" or every other damn equivalent of it.

Attention men. If your woman ever looks at you pointedly and says "HE went to JARED", divorce her. If you ever take flak because you went out on a gift for her, and it wasn't good enough or expensive enough, then let her take up residence in a stable with the other women that trade sex for shiny objects. And just give her the cash. Then she can go to Jared herself and pick out what she likes. Happy holidays and happy endings.

I just saw a watch commercial that doesn't target women specifically (though again with the diamonds!), but says the thing that says the MOST about you is your watch. Yes, they frigging say that. Forget your actions; forget your character.. what says the MOST about you is your watch.

Now, I've never gotten the Rolex fixation, but even from a purely shallow and materialistic perspective, your WATCH? Really? Not your clothes, hair, makeup, ipod, car, or cell phone? Sucks to be you, Donna Karan, Cover Girl, Apple, Audi, and Motorola. Better close up your businesses now. They're destined to failure. Apparently, it's the watch. The perfect gift to say "Hey, maybe you should try being on time every once in a while, just to be different. Maybe if I stick enough shiny things on this timepiece, the light will reflect in your eyes and remind you that you're LATE!!!

Come to think of it, I should get one. Every time I'd think about how much I hate diamonds (frequently), I'd look at my watch, realize I'm late (because I always am), leave the house, and be on time. Thank you, Seiko.

This should be the focus of people's unhealthy fixations on the "War on Christmas", not the dumb 'happy holidays' thing. Remember, every time a Jared commercial airs, it makes the baby Jesus cry. And more importantly, it makes *me* cry... and rant... and blog!

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