Against all odds, my bag was recovered today AND the people on the phone through AA's lost luggage line were nice and polite. I had pretty much kissed off seeing my stuff again and also figured I'd have to get and finish a residency and hire a lawyer before I'd see any compensation.
I also sacrificed another year of my life to get a new phone. It's shiny. I'm getting used to having manual keys to type again.
In even more unbelievable news, today I... comforted a child. Somewhat successfully. I feel like now I should be in a CS advertisement jumping up in the air and high fiving something, since my usual response to human suffering is profound and visibly awkward discomfort. Maybe that studying paid off.